Immaculate Misconception

I’ve not been on in awhile….and a lot has happened. My girlfriend is pregnant, and we meant for this to happen….but she is focusing totally on the negatives while I have focused entirely on the positives…and it is possible it has reached a point of no return…..she wants to put our child up for adoption and I want to keep the child because I am excited to be a father and I dont want to let my son or daughter(for we dont know whether its a boy or girl yet) down. I find myself lost in my head most days, just PONDERING who I have become. I find myself drawn ever deeper into the dark depths of myself as I slowly withdraw from human sanity. I barely talk to anyone anymore, and when I do….it’s but a few meaningless tactless words of ignorance and spittle, and meant only to make those near me flee and withdraw unto themselves. I know naught who I am anymore, I find more things are becoming only an annoyance to my self-preservation. I’m losing it this time. I thought I had the suicidal thoughts under control….but with each and every new day I struggle to fight them away. I started hurting myself again….I’m pushing every one I love away. I dont know why I push away when I’m trying to pull them closer. I love myself, yet LOATHE myself. I can’t stand to see the weak person in the mirror staring back at me as if to say, “Now is your time!!! End my misery!!” I feel as though a shadow has befallen me. I’m not okay….ultimately…..this will end.

Badly.